Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My ATM looks so different sober.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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