dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
