I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
