Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
