So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
