I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
