The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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