saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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