i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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