Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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