I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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