I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
