come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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