how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
