So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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