it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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