I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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