He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
