Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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