Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
