"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
