It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just high enough for therapy.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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