i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
