A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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