I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
