that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
