somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
