My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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