Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
