thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
