I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
