I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
