Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I supernannyed him into submission
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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