i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
