i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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