Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
