wrigley field is MILF paradise
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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