Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The maid of honor just puked.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
