I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
