my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
