I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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