I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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