just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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