i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
