can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
