I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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