Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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