with your own penis?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
