he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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