Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Randomize
