The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I wear drunk well.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
