remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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