OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
